Enter Sandman: Picking Metallica Lyrics for Upcoming Pirates Season

The Pirates are, of course, my favorite baseball team and a family curse tradition passed down through multiple generations. My idea of heaven is sitting at PNC Park on a warm night with a cold beer and watching the Pirates. Shakira is also sitting next to me in her Neil Walker jersey, but that’s neither here nor there. (My version of hell is sitting at Great American Ballpark on a windy, cold night with a warm beer and watching the Reds. The lady from Dance Moms is also sitting next to me in her Chris Archer jersey). 

As for Metallica? Well, I’ve seen them in concert seven times, own an ungodly number of band t-shirts, once had the vanity license plate METLIKA and named my dog in honor of James Hetfield.

With this week’s announcement, I am counting the days until I can stand on the PNC Park field while pointing and yelling “DIE! DIE! DIE!” during the chorus of Creeping Death. I feel like this concert was made just for me. I’m very happy right now.

Since there is still no baseball news, I thought I would steal an old Internet gimmick and assign some Metallica lyrics to the upcoming Pirates season. Hopefully, it will be a fun distraction from arguing about baseball’s minimum salary structure, the lack of a salary cap, and Rob Manfred’s abject stupidity.

The fun part about this exercise is that Metallica’s largely dark lyrics fit in with the mindset of many Pirates fans. Take it from Will Graves who served as the inspiration for this post:

While many other choices fit Pirates fans, this lyric from One fits nicely. I’d also go with the opening to Sanitarium (my favorite Metallica song): Welcome to where time stands still / No one leaves and no one will / Moon is full, never seems to change / Just labeled mentally deranged.

Listen, it’s hard being a Pirates fan. 



I promise the rest of these will be more positive. Before we get started, let’s hit the music that opens every Metallica concert (and I played before my wedding).

Gimme Fuel / Gimme Fire / Gimme that which I desire – Fuel

This one is for Mitch Keller who has been throwing straight gas this off-season. Do I have any faith his 100-mile-per-hour bullpen sessions will result in anything? No, I do not. 

But let’s just dream for a minute here…what if Keller found something? What if he actually reaches his promise? What would it do for the morale of Pirates fans and our outlook going forward? My biggest fear is the Pirates will struggle to find pitching during this rebuild. They have a guy in Keller. Let’s pray he gets it right this season.

Metallica Note: Load and Reload are not great albums. My friend recommended that the two albums be combined into one and be called Loaded. I stand by this idea.

Invisible kid / Never see what he did / Got stuck where he hid / Fallen through the grid – Invisible Kid

Bryan Reynolds had an excellent season last year that we in Pittsburgh noticed but was largely lost on a national scale. Now, that goes with the team’s competitiveness as great seasons on bad clubs largely break through the noise. There is no reason to believe Reynolds will regress this season and another excellent year should put him in the conversation of the best outfielders in all of baseball.

Metallica Note: I’ve tried hard on St. Anger, but nothing is redeeming about that album. It’s just bad and easily the band’s worst effort. However, I enjoy the documentary Some Kind of Monster, which I know is a semi-hot take. I just enjoy the unfiltered look at each band member, even if that look is not always the most positive.

Fight fire with fire / Ending is near / Fight fire with fire / Bursting with fear – Jump in the Fire

You know who makes opponents burst with fear? A 6-foot-7 long-armed alien who should be playing small forward for the Milwaukee Bucks is our short stop instead. I expect an up-and-down year from Oneil Cruz with some majestic home runs and some growing pains in the field. The sky is the limit for the kid who will be one of the most interesting players in all of baseball to watch. I’ve already snagged him in the last round of multiple fantasy drafts.

Metallica Note: Here’s a fun game to play. When listening to a Metallica song, ask yourself, “Does this song mention fire or death?” The answer is almost always yes. In some cases, both are mentioned. You get double points for those.

Do you bury me when I’m gone / Do you teach me while I’m here / ...just as soon as I belong, then it’s time I disappear – I Disappear

Hi Ben Cherington! Great job so far, buddy. Please keep in mind as we do this rebuild that I want players to root for and have them stick around for a bit. While I understand this is a business, the Tampa formula of trading players after two good seasons does not work for me. OK? Please stop players like Ke’Bryan Hayes from disappearing too quickly. Thanks!

Metallica Note: The first time I heard this song on the radio I was driving with my date to prom. Did I tell her to shut up until the song was over immediately? Yes, yes I did. I regret nothing.

Rover wanderer / nomad vagabond / call me what you will – Wherever I May Roam

The last three years have seen Yoshi Tsutsugo go from Japan to Tampa to Los Angeles to Oklahoma City to Pittsburgh. I hope Yoshi finally found a home last season with the Pirates. My prediction: 250/340/480 with 32 bombs and a few more suicidal Cardinals announcers.

Metallica Note: A quick rundown of my favorite Metallica albums in order: Master of Puppets, …And Justice for All, Ride the Lightning, Black Album, Hardwired, Kill ‘Em All, Death Magnetic, Load, Reload, St. Anger, Lulu. For the record, I have never listened to Lulu (that’s Metallica’s horrible collaboration with Lou Reed for those who have avoided it) from start to finish. I don’t see that changing any time soon.

You rise, you fall, you’re down then you rise again / What don’t kill you make you more strong – Broken, Beat and Scarred

This screams Hayes, doesn’t it? Killer rookie season, hurt last year, and is now looking to show the player he can be. I think Hayes surprises with the bat this year and makes his first all-star team. 

Metallica Note: Death Magnetic and Hardwired are Metallica’s most recent albums, meaning they’ve been recorded in the last 15 years. If I had a wish for Metallica, they would record more new music and tour the United States more. The PNC Park is just one of three shows they’ll play in the states this year. They usually spend the summer playing music festivals in Sweden, which is not convenient.

I can’t believe the things you say / I can’t believe / I can’t believe the price you pay/nothing can save you – …And Justice for All

Spineless from the start, sucked into the part / circus comes to town, you play the lead clown – Leper Messiah

Hold on, one more!

Broken is the promise, betrayal / The healing hand held back by the deepened nail – The God That Failed

What’s an Internet article about the Pirates without a dig at Bob Nutting? Listen, there are dozens of songs I could have picked here. 

It doesn’t appear the collective bargaining currently going on will do much to create payroll parity. As a result, we’re still victims of Nutting’s cheapness. The only hope is that the payroll grows as the team gets competitive. I’ve read interviews where Nutting said he regretted not investing more during the 2013-2015 contention window, so maybe he changes course this time around? Again, not holding my breath.

Sleep with one eye open / Gripping your pillow tight – Enter Sandman

Hello, NL Central.

Listen, the Pirates have mostly been bad, but the improvement of the farm system has the big league squad poised for a run of contention from 2024 onward. The rebuild is incredibly painful, but we’re close to watching fun Pirates teams again. You ask forgiveness, I give you sweet revenge.

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